Fire on the Mountain 9/25/2007

Gray frosting
Confettied curls
A paragraph in a nod
Creation without producing anything
No waste products – unless you count hangovers
2nd fiddle – pink with starch
Jealously or comrodary
The maestro must be hard to live with
Blinding light warms the carpet
Neutral colors and safe choices will offend no one
Crust forms on your moccasins, your dreams
Prolonged Midlife crisis from 25-death
Society has a collective guilt trip
Listen not to the masses, nor to the minority
Nor to the voice you identify as you
Share thoughts with the devil
Strive to learn both sides of everything
Have you ever truly loved?
Unhooked the safety line and jumped
Piano completes the sequence
As the guitar fades.

The magnificent Heron aka M E Z 9/24/2007

A majestic bird, slender, still, beautiful
Carries herself with the style of royalty
Stands on the shore taking in the moment
Pillows of fog paint the soft background
At peace with her role in nature
The most beautiful of birds, to me
Intricacies appreciated only by the experienced study
She stands oblivious to the attention she commands
Effortlessly she jumps from her silent cove
Her flight is smooth and peaceful
Large wings support the weight placed upon her by gravity and thought
Smooth strokes of strong feathers,
Hush, hush, hush
Tips touching the mirrored liquid
the earth breathing warm air aiding her journey
Coasting to a new safe harbor,
protected from the wind and commotion
Setting down without a sound
Gently landing in my dreams well into winter
Reminding me of my first experience
Standing transpontine, the water a natural barrier
The river too fast and deep to cross
that much I know from past attempts
If I could fly I would go to her.
Maybe if I am still.......

Random Quotes 9/21/2007

Whatever you think, be sure it is what you think;
whatever you want, be sure that is what you want;
whatever you feel, be sure that is what you feel.

T. S. Eliot (1888 -1965)

To be one’s self, and
unafraid whether right or wrong, is more admirable than the easy cowardice
of surrender to conformity.

Irving Wallace

We forfeit three-fourths of
ourselves in order to be like other people.


Arthur Schopenhauer (1788 - 1860)


All men profess honesty as
long as they can. To believe all men honest would be folly. To believe none
so is something worse.

Right turn signal 9/18/2007

Coffee shop to read - philosophy
Breathing warm air - fresh exhaust from passing traffic
“Paul” comes from neighboring booth as I approach
Her good friend-
Catching herself mid-speech as she says my name
Forgetting that I am the bad guy
Want to ask about her - Can’t
Want to call her - Can’t
Want to move on - Can’t
Want to understand this book,
The Critique of Practical Reason - Kant

Engineers Curse 9-17-2007

Problem arises
What is the problem?
Define it.
Discover it.
Analyze it.
Do I want to fix it?
Yes
Can I determine the cause?
Yes
Can I see a solution?
I think so.
Can I fix it?
Yes I can
Try plan A - backfire
Try plan B - Backfire
Try plan C - Backfire
Abort mission, I am not smart enough

Regroup,
you can do it
Yes, I can
Try plan A’ - fail
Try plan B’ - fail
Try plan C’ - fail
Abort

Regroup,
you can do it this time
Try plan A” - Whoops
Try plan B” - whoops
Try plan C” - whoops

I am smart, I see the cause, and the affect
I guess I am not good enough for this problem

Maybe it is not mine to solve......

I will just wait and be supportive.

Time is up I guess.

The girl of my dreams 9/17/07

I waited
I prepared
I dreamed
I avoided commitment to others
I pictured her
Tall, dark, athletic, kind, emotional, caring
I see her
I meet her
I date her
She loves me
I love her
I lied to her
She hates me
She doesn’t trust me
She cheats on me
I forgive her
She doesn’t
She pressures me
She needs more
I leave

I miss her
She misses me
I come back
I try harder
She doesn’t trust me
She doesn’t trust herself
I think I can hold on
I think I can help her find herself
She wonders why I am with her
She needs more
Pressure returns
I leave
I can’t live without her
I love her
I need trust, I need confidence
She finds someone else
Maybe I am not the one for her?
She is the one for me
I tell her
We are back
I try harder
I have success
I can do this
This is going to work
Pressure comes back
She pressures me
Her parents pressure her
I try to hang on
She tries to hang on
She pressures me
She can’t wait
I try to hold on
I try to hang on
I don’t want to let go
I can’t hold on
I don’t know what to do
I let go

I love the girl of my dreams

Lotus’s Competition 9-17-2007

Beautiful Art, Simple, German
Pronounced features, Forward, Gray
Strong lines and secure intersections
Soft rumble of metal, carbon and oil
Zen like peace anywhere it appears
Danger - Exhilaration
Escape around every corner
Boundaries exist only in your mind,
Your ability to visualize the path
Donor recipients and free spirits best friend
Mothers and fiancées worst enemy
False sense of control, security
Risking all you have, knowing it, accepting it.
Forgetting about death is easy when you are experiencing living
Your brain is trained to warn “Caution”
Your blood flow increases, primes the systems in use
Trust
Your mind asks for control back, your soul rejects the request
You lean, you turn your wrist, you melt into the moment
Connected now with the earth
You are one -with everything real.

No Win Situ 9/17/2007

I try to reassure her
I try to reassure myself
I am so confused
The girl of my dreams
I am not her dreams
I feel like a means to an end
I try to be patient
There is no time
But there is
Perception is reality, there is no time
I am in a corner
I am in a catch 22
No way out
I can’t have my dream girl
I don’t know what to do
To keep her is to lose her,
To leave her is to lose her
I have to resign, let her find herself
And most likely, someone else.

Not Surprised, Curious, or Upset 9/17/2007

Three words- interesting relations
The reaction of an ex lover
“the” ex lover
Signaling movement past me, past us
Feels like punishment for my failure, deliberate
Feels like withholding of an “I love you” at the end of an unhappy phone call
3 words that don’t form a sentence

“been there done that” she is probably thinking
“another attempt, I have learned my lesson”
“what would I tell my parents”
“he had his chance”
What is my motivation, better figure it out
Self serving, Insecurity, wanting the last word?
Did she really love me? Was I the one? Was I wrong?
What can I take away from this pain, I need something positive.
If I was the answer to her prayers, what is the positive outcome for her?
For me?

Roll my way into the Semis 9/09/2007

I miss writing to her
I miss expressing myself in words, on paper.
Sitting down to write to her made me feel alive, In love.
The excitement in giving the words to her,
It was a nervous energy, a calming transfer
a vessel hoping for a warm welcome

I wrote to her so she would have something concrete,
Something real, solid, unwavering.
Something that she could reference when she doubted, or when I was not there.
Something that was an extension of me, in black and white.
A constant light if it grew dark, or foggy.

I remember the feeling of being unable to please her
I remember the pain of not being enough, not meeting her expectations
I remember her not believing my words,
Not trusting my character
I remember the pressure, the confusion of where the pressure was coming from.

I miss the knowing that my love was heard
I don’t miss the feeling of loving her,
As I am unable to stop
I miss the feeling of the two way street.

I miss the times when I knew my love was understood,
That I was understood,
That I was ok
That I was enough
That we were going to make it

I remember the feeling of helplessness,
Of not being able to affect her confidence, her trust,
Of not being smart enough to figure it out
Of the sharp pain of the separation between what I want, and what I couldn’t figure out how to get.

I miss the calm I felt with her, the connection with another human being at a level that was not of the mind
One which I have never felt before.
Will I ever feel that again?

I miss the feeling of peace, of being able to sleep so soundly with her next to me.
I miss the little things, as most people who truly love do; I am not unique in my feelings,
But my feelings are unique.

I think about her as much now as ever,
Love exists whether or not someone receives it,
Love is an internal force that spins for someone else
The wheel doesn’t stop because the loved one stops looking for it.

I hope someday it stops, for the sake of my sanity,
But I know if the wheel stops, so would I.

Midieval bathroom lines 9/8/07

Hours counting down
Virgin at this distance
Body already showing signs of its awareness
Mind wavering between confidence and fear
What were the bathrooms like before medieval battles
Rashes seem like they could have been a big issue
When was Vaseline invented?
No one is trying to kill me tomorrow
Stab me with a rusty sword, or launch a javelin at me
What would I have done?
Sidestep that bitch with ease and take him out with a sweeping leg kick
That is what I would have done
Cold feet,
Literally
Bad circulation – packer game 1999
I hope I do well,
I am ready,
I am willing,
I am able,
Success?
Not sure what that will be determined by
But that is a good thing.
Competing for the sake of competing.
Living for the sake of living.
Patience.

5 months in 9/6/07

Energy waves flux thru my psyche
The hills offer no reward
Effort given up
Regret on the downfall
My writings have been focused on past trespasses
And current theories
Missed in the confusion of the fire
The two individuals that created the union
One a naïve flower only wanting light, water, and attention
The other a cerebral bee trying not to think too much
She still floats through my thoughts,
Lightly dancing off of each mind pedal
Stopping long enough to think you could touch her
Talk to her, hug her.
In one dream, she appears on a road with mirrored glasses,
Sweat pants, and a dog on a leash
I approach her to be sure it is she
I realize she is crying,
She says, “I am not doing so good”
I feel every bit of her, every phylum of her life
I just hold her. For the rest of my dream.
I want to sleep forever
The alarm breaks us apart,
I wake up sad; I want to hold her in real life
I know the energy we have for each other
I can feel it now as I write this
I know she thinks about me
Almost as much as I think about her
Maybe she doesn’t
Maybe I am delusional
Maybe she is better off without me
I see her pictures, the old ones I can’t put away
And now the new ones thanks to my space
I see her laughing, smiling, being herself
I force myself to remember the pressure, the guilt, and the insecurity
But that does no good; I still want to be by her side.
I still feel it was all my fault, even though I know it was not
What was the fucking rush?
She is everything to me - I wish she was enough for herself

Circular Reference 9/5/07

To Love is to Trust
To trust is to believe in someone
To believe in someone, is to believe in yourself

To believe in yourself is to understand that your judgment, your value, your honor, your inner soul,
Your self worth.

Is clearly evident to all who you love.

Trust is a gift that should not be held for ransom.
Trust is binary
Trust me.

D is for Delta 9/5/07

Nasal pressure
Headache, bright oval windows of death light
Bad hairdos and financial statements
Sardines impatiently waiting
Caked on make up,
I used to be paid well, and pretty
Conscious poetry
Reclined five inches,
Screen snuggled under vinyl lip
Hot, stale air forced from above
Drying already irritated iris’
Bob Dylan said it best
Meet me in the morning,
56th and Wabasha

Humility from Humidity 9/5/07

Pillows and spots on my eyes
Suns reflection off the clouds
Uncomfortable view from blue vinyl
Above the world, but feeling otherwise
Let down on all fronts
Pieced together, favors, ingenuity, results
Returning to camp with subsiding anger
Tired of the journey, of the expectations, of the responsibilities
Who benefits from this ordeal?
Staying upstream is challenging with broken oars
Self doubt
Maybe I am not a leader,
Self-exploration and new challenges seem to be my thing
Do I need a break, a vacation?
Should I just settle on a convention, conform?
Broke, tired, desperate
Confused on so many fronts.
Do I really know what I am doing?
Is that why I never reveal my plans?
Fear of reasoning being unsound?
I will land on my feet
I always do

Over 18 9/05/2007

Control of another is a myth
Guilt, Intimidation, fear of abandonment,
The tools of the trade

The true understanding, the wise
Do not try to control, but try to offer an open door, a smile, and a welcome mat.
Ensures you will only have guests, never prisoners

“disinfranchised” 9/3/07

Flat Coke
Stale love
Does a weak man stay,
Or does a weak man leave
Half of marriages fail
Second time I mentioned that
Am I fixated on failing at marriage?
Or is society fixated on a false sense of security
24 hours is a life’s goal for some
Why are second marriages less of a production?
Shouldn’t they be a bigger deal since this time you know it is forever?
65 years is what I am more concerned about
Neither focus rules the other out
But 24 hours is easily mistaken for much more
I am afraid of my ability to fit in
I am worried about my mental state
I am concerned about my idea of a relationship
My clock is not ticking as fast as some
But I still hear the hands move
I am not free from the affects of a society fixated on others relationships
Hopefully I am strong enough to maintain myself in my life.
Strong enough to hold on?
but also strong enough to let go?

200#’s of closed mindedness 9/2/07

The cheater will accuse you of cheating
The thief will worry about you taking his stuff
The liar will doubt your sincerity
The one who is never wrong, is afraid to be found a fool

What do you see in others, what do you fear in others
Do you have the guts to seek that out in yourself?
Do you have the ability to listen to your mind?
To identify it, to observe it
To know you control it, that it is not you?

Having baggage that you know about is the goal
Believing you are free from it is an illusion
Pride helps you prolong that illusion

Pride is a position that you are not willing to accept other opinions or viewpoints on
Pride is a weak mans armor
His protective barrier between himself and the world
The thicker the armor, the more difficult the movement,
The harder it is to see broadly, to grow, to hear.
Nothing can affect me; prove me wrong in my armor.
The weak man dies with a smile knowing he was right, and the rest of us were wrong.
That he is superior, smarter, better than the rest of us.

The rest of us sadly recycle his armor for the $9.84 and return to our lives
We wonder how tall, or fast, or kind he could have been if it weren’t for the metal suit he refused to leave.