Running from the present, trying to put it in the past. No direction or course, just a cowardly uncertainty that screams for a change. The future is unclear, the reasons for the change less distinct. Just make up an excuse and get out. Being alone does not presume loneliness just as having companionship doesn’t presume the opposite. It is easier to settle ones stomach when not a guest at the holiday dinner table.
Is being contrary to the herd, a blessing or a curse? The opposite is not always a sound approach, for it leaves only the extremes and not the good stuff, the gray middle.
What keeps me unsure?
Timing is everything. Cliché, maybe, but they become cliché’s for a reason.
Now the past carries the memories of the good, but more recently the memories of sadness and pain. The tough spots in good people can be uncovered in painful situations. My failure mode is to hide, remove myself from the situation and retreat to where I am 100% in charge. Keep a moat and wall in place and only stop outside for tea and possibly brunch.
I want the best for myself, to say otherwise would be lying. How does one know satisfaction, decide on happiness? Do you not need the scale to determine acceptability? What if I am supposed to live in Brazil?
I am waiting for maturity, as with that all of these questions are cleared up…right? I still have no idea about true happiness. I took a home run swing on a spitball. With that swing I found that I could fail and succeed in the same act. I found out about myself, many things that I expected, many I didn’t. I made friends, I became a stronger person. I also lost contact with people, remained isolated from true things like family and friends. I have very little tolerance, even for people I love. That is not acceptable to me on paper, however it is the case. I am incapable of true emotional attachment. I am a robot with a good set of programs, nothing more.
