Running from the present - unknown 2003

Running from the present, trying to put it in the past. No direction or course, just a cowardly uncertainty that screams for a change. The future is unclear, the reasons for the change less distinct. Just make up an excuse and get out. Being alone does not presume loneliness just as having companionship doesn’t presume the opposite. It is easier to settle ones stomach when not a guest at the holiday dinner table.

Is being contrary to the herd, a blessing or a curse? The opposite is not always a sound approach, for it leaves only the extremes and not the good stuff, the gray middle.

What keeps me unsure?

Timing is everything. Cliché, maybe, but they become cliché’s for a reason.

Now the past carries the memories of the good, but more recently the memories of sadness and pain. The tough spots in good people can be uncovered in painful situations. My failure mode is to hide, remove myself from the situation and retreat to where I am 100% in charge. Keep a moat and wall in place and only stop outside for tea and possibly brunch.

I want the best for myself, to say otherwise would be lying. How does one know satisfaction, decide on happiness? Do you not need the scale to determine acceptability? What if I am supposed to live in Brazil?

I am waiting for maturity, as with that all of these questions are cleared up…right? I still have no idea about true happiness. I took a home run swing on a spitball. With that swing I found that I could fail and succeed in the same act. I found out about myself, many things that I expected, many I didn’t. I made friends, I became a stronger person. I also lost contact with people, remained isolated from true things like family and friends. I have very little tolerance, even for people I love. That is not acceptable to me on paper, however it is the case. I am incapable of true emotional attachment. I am a robot with a good set of programs, nothing more.

Nialists 11/29/1999

Physical Beauty is overrated
The cable needs fixing
Everybody is a whore to someone
Success is the barometer of your soul
Your definition displays your worth
I then declare myself successfully worthless
You do the math
I need some guidance
Carry the 2

Failure - written after a CSN Concert in Utah 1999

I was in a haze, frantically trying to gain passage
When out of the fog of confusion walked a vision

She was an august sunset
She possessed the natural beauty that made your brain tingle

Blinking was a blatant misuse of resources
That fraction of a second could have been better spent

The night began to operate at half speed
She approached slowly, as if to allow time for preparation

Trying to formulate a sentence was futile,
She had already stolen the breath from my chest

She had a calming aura about her
Her smile excited your heart, but removed your anxiety

Fate had always been an elusive mystery
But here it was, one second away from smacking me in the face

The fog began to dissipate
This was a special moment, a special person

She had swept me off my feet
She was still eleven feet away

The world returned to speed, and my brain began to function
The instant was over, but a new one had begun

I have tried not to think about her every day since
I have failed.

Mr. L Unknown Date

REFER TO EVERYONE AS DONALD
LOVE UNCONDITIONALLY BUT ONLY IN THE RIGHT CIRCUMSTANCES
KILL THE LARGEST CREATURE YOU FEEL COMFORTABLE WITH
RUNFAST, BUT ALWAYS LEAVE ROOM TO STOP
HUG SOFTLY BUT WITH MEANING
THROW SNOWBALLS ALL YEAR LONG, YOU FIGURE IT OUT
RUB LOTION IN ALL THE WRONG PLACES
STAY AWAY FROM THINGS THAT SUCK
HOLD YOUR FAITH STRONG
QUESTION EVERYTHING THAT IS NOT CONCRETE
LEARN FROM THE MISTAKES OF SONGWRITERS
FIND OUT WHERE YOUR BOSS LIVES
CUT GRASS
SMOKE LAWNS
RAKE EYES
COMPLIMENT LEAVES
NEVER TRUST A PERSON WITH THEIR HANDS IN YOUR PANTS
KEEP SOME THINGS SACRED, LIKE PEANUT BUTTER
LET THEM CATCH YOU
FREEWILL
ANGER IS A GIFT!

Chasing The Sun 5/14/1999

Chasing The Sun

Deciphering magic from fact, the young man realizes responsibility.
Time spent yearning for understanding,
Once achieved it is tough to be free
The days of waking up and looking down to see pajamas with feet are long gone

Does everyone have an angle?
Skepticism and accountability will make you miss your 20’s
Christmas is another savings account,
Much of life is lost due to money and its worries.
Work less.

Suffering starts from the day you are born,
Life really isn’t that bad.
The grass isn’t always greener over there.

Adapt.

Compassion is the ability to feel others pain.
Find love, for the right reasons
Be thankful.
Achieve, accomplish, make mistakes.

Be her friend
Write Poetry

Alternative Bathroom 4/29/1999

Realizing your pissing in your own closet is no fun.
Realizing you are too drunk to do anything about it is worse.
Realizing if you aim to the left you will be micterating upon your roommates clothes helps ease the anxiety.

.............Aiming left.

Now you can go back to bed,

Thank god for roommates.

JFK 3/29/1999

Boredom!
I am experiencing the definition of

Anyone here have a knife?
This is ludicrous
Is that spelled with a t?
What a strange word
kinda like “slacks”
My dad had lots of slacks
My dad is a cool guy
He used to take us to his shop and give us mountain dews
They always tasted better at his shop
I am not sure why
I will always remember the taste of those special mountain dews

I love you dad.

Written at an extremely boring meeting in Seattle.